Kimberly Van Meter - [Cowboy Country] - Kids On The Doorstep p.03

“It’s true,” John acknowledged with only a hint of cheeky laughter in his voice.
“But if Evan were around she’d do the same for him. She’s always been our
surrogate mom since our own mom died,” he said.
“I know. She told me. That woman thinks a lot of you two. You’re really lucky.”
He grinned again. “I know that, too. Why do you think she pretty much has the
run of anything I own? It’s because I know I could never repay her for what
she’s given to Evan and me. You can’t put a price on that.”
“No. You can’t,” she agreed softly and the wistful expression on her face made
him wonder what her childhood had been like. Something told him it wasn’t full
of hugs and kisses and cozy Christmas mornings. His mother may not have had much
in the way of money, but she always had an abundance of love and when she died,
Gladys stepped in without a beat. A long, pregnant silence passed between them
until John, not interested in ending the moment in melancholy, reached out and
tugged gently on her hand.
“C’mon, I’m starved and it’s not getting any warmer in this barn.”
She returned his smile and he pretended not to notice the subtle sad pull at the
corners of her lips as she allowed her hand to rest in his as they trudged back
to the house. He let go first because he sensed it was coming. He tried to push
from his head the urge to ask what was behind that enigmatic expression because
he knew that was a boundary she hadn’t invited him to cross. Hell, she’d pretty
much just drawn the line in the sand and it was up to him to respect it. And he
did. Fully. Even if knowing that he couldn’t touch her in the way he desired was
tying him up in knots.
But worse still than the knowledge that he couldn’t bury himself in that soft
and yielding body was the fact that no matter what happened between them, Renee
couldn’t get out of this place fast enough.
And that killed him.
He wanted her to stay. Damn it. He wanted her to stay.
Rubbing his chin at the realization, a dry chuckle followed. Well, if that
didn’t wedge him in a difficult spot he didn’t know what did. But something told
him he was about to get a helluvan education with Renee around.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
RENEE STARED IN DISMAY at the fat flakes spiraling down from the slate-colored
skies to land silently on the ground, and offered a nice, mean curse to Mother
Nature for her winter bounty.
No fair, she wanted to grouse. It had snowed last weekend, too. Not a lot and
not as much as the weatherman had predicted but it had prevented her from taking
the girls on an outing. She’d shelved her plans for the following weekend, yet
here she sat, muttering at the sky for ruining her plans—again.
“I hate the country,” she said under her breath as she shoved another log inside
the woodstove. “When I get out of here, I’m never going to live in another place
where there’s even a chance of snow. It’s cold and you have to stay bundled up
all the time and…and…” She searched for another reason to hate winter in the
country but she was suddenly distracted by the undeniably sweet sound of her
daughters’ laughter out in the yard.
Dusting the bits of bark from her palms, she rose and peered out her small
window to see Alexis, Taylor and Chloe twirling in the snow to catch flakes on
their tiny, outstretched tongues. Chloe, unsteady on her feet, was the first to
tumble to the soft snow. Taylor’s unabashed joy shone in her young face as she
fell backward without fear into a thick snowdrift. But even as her younger
daughters made her smile with their giggles, it was Alexis with John that made
her breath stop. She and John were building a snowman. It was lumpy and
odd-looking but the smile wreathing Alexis’s face brought tears to Renee’s eyes
just for the lost beauty of it. How long had it been since Alexis smiled at her
like that? The lump in Renee’s throat was answer enough. Her first impulse was
to rush out there to be a part of their fun. But the fact that she hadn’t been
invited stung more than her pride. And so she didn’t follow her instinct.
Instead, she contented herself with leaning against the window and watching
silently.
As she stood there, chuckling softly at their antics as snowman building turned
into snowball wars, she realized how much her daughters had missed in their
previous life. Jason had never spent so much time with their girls. For that
matter, she hadn’t, either. Her own mother hadn’t been much for setting a
motherly example, not that Renee was trying to use that as an excuse but it was
true. Had her life with Jason always been an exercise in bad parenting? Every
moment of it? She searched her memory, desperately seeking for something that
wasn’t coated in a haze of alcohol but came up empty. Her gaze returned to John
and a sigh escaped her. She’d give anything to see Alexis turn that beaming
smile her way. A tear surprised her as it snaked its way down her cheek. As she
wiped it away she knew she’d do anything to deserve her daughter’s love.
Pulling away, Renee let the lacy curtain fall from her fingertips, but was
surprised by a soft knock at the door.
Opening it, her heart leapt as Taylor stood there.
“What is it, honey?” she asked, afraid to hope.
Taylor pushed her hair from her eyes and said breathlessly, “Grammy Stemmy and
us are gonna make snow-cream. You wanna come help us?”
Snow-cream? She didn’t have a clue what that entailed but since she was being
invited, Renee didn’t much care and her smile reflected as much. “Absolutely,”
Renee answered enthusiastically, wasting little time in grabbing her jacket and
following Taylor into the yard where Gladys was instructing the girls in how to
collect the snow.
Renee stopped. “You mean, you use the snow? The actual snow that’s falling out
of the sky? Is that safe? I mean, healthy?”
Gladys and John shared a look that plainly said “city girl” and Renee set her
jaw in annoyance. “What?”
Once everyone had their large bowls full with fresh powder, they tromped back to
the house, the girls’ chatter filling the silent, white landscape as surely as
it filled Renee’s heart and for a small window in time she actually didn’t hate
snow any longer.

FIRE CRACKLING IN THE fireplace, it was warm where Renee was sitting but she
wasn’t sure if the heat came from the cozy fire or the hormones percolating her
blood.
“Girls asleep?” she asked unnecessarily when John returned from one last tour of
the house, knowing that he would’ve checked on the girls and Gladys along the
way. He gave a short nod and then settled on the floor beside her. “Nothing
wears them out faster than a day spent outside in this kind of weather,” she
noted, trying to keep calm and detached even though her heart had started to
race.
“You’ve never had snow-cream before, have you.” It was a rhetorical question.
Her baffled expression had surely said it all as Gladys had poured an odd
assortment of stuff in a giant bowl then whipped it together to create something
that—bless her heart—was damn good.
“Not a lot of snow where I come from, remember?” she murmured, glancing at him
from beneath her lashes. A small smile followed when he chuckled.
“You don’t know what you’ve been missing,” he joked.
“Apparently.”
He nudged her gently. “C’mon, admit it. You thought it was pretty good.”
“Yeah. It was. Although, I’m still not sure it’s healthy to eat what’s falling
out of the sky.”
“It’s fine,” he assured her and his easy smile was infectious. He lifted a stray
strand of hair away from her cheekbone and tucked it behind her ear. The action
was enough to steal her breath. For what it was worth, it seemed she wasn’t the
only one affected. “I’m going to have to kiss you,” he said softly.
“Oh?” She tried to seem disinterested but it was a losing battle that she gave
up on real quick. Her tongue darted out to lick her lips and she knew it would
seem like an invitation. He wouldn’t be wrong. He leaned in and sampled her
lips, moving slowly and sensuously across the surface of her mouth, tongues
touching, exploring and stroking in such a way that Renee lost her ability to
recall why she’d put a stop to this type of behavior in the first place. At that
particular moment Renee would’ve pointed a gun at anyone who caused him to stop.
They kissed as if there was no rush. The moment was all about exploration and
John used the same single-minded attention he used with his work on her body.
His hands searched and roamed every hill and valley until Renee felt as if he’d
memorized every inch and it made her feel valued and cherished in a way she’d
never imagined possible. She hardly noticed when her clothes fell away, but the
moment he peeled his own clothes off, she sucked in a wild breath as her gaze
traveled the hard, toned and muscular body of a man accustomed to making a
living by the sweat of his brow. His hands were rough and calloused and they
excited her in a way she’d never known. Jason’s touch had been soft and
impatient as he grabbed and pinched for his own pleasure, regardless of what she
liked or wanted, but she’d stopped trying to get him to be more considerate long
ago. She sucked back a gasp as John kneaded the firm flesh of her breast,
teasing the nipple through the fabric of her bra and any residual memory of
Jason or any other lover faded from her mind.
They might’ve remained there if not for an errant sound outside that reminded
them they were in danger of being discovered by any one of the houseguests and
neither relished the idea of being caught in an indecent position. So with her
hand tucked into his, Renee grabbed her clothes and followed John into his
bedroom and closed the door softly but firmly behind them.

MOONLIGHT REFLECTING OFF the white landscape outside dusted the room with pale
light and danced on Renee’s naked skin, giving it a luminance that seemed
unworldly. John’s heart beat an erratic rhythm that labored his breathing as if
he’d just spent the afternoon splitting wood with a dull-bladed axe. He’d never
seen a woman so beautiful. Her eyes shone with vulnerability mixed with desire
and it made his vision swim with the power of it.
Bracing himself above her, one heavy thigh trapped between the soft, silken skin
of her legs, he leaned down and kissed her deeply, pausing only long enough to
make sure she wanted this as much as he did.
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t,” she assured him in a husky whisper. “I want
this. I want you.”
Her words thrilled him unlike any other and he claimed her lips again but he was
hungry for the rest of her and his appetite was no longer whetted by just the
taste of her lips. Pressing an ardent trail of kisses down the column of her
soft neck, her sharp intake of breath encouraged him to go farther, until he
reached her full breasts. Lavishing each one in turn with his mouth, he didn’t
rest until she was twisting and writhing beneath him, clutching at his shoulders
and begging him for more.
Sliding down farther and ignoring the near painful ache in his groin as his hard
length demanded to know her fully, he took her into his mouth with slow and
measured strokes taking quick note of which strokes elicited the best response
and as her thighs started to shake with gathering need and she began grabbing
the bedsheets in her clenched hands, he brought her home with loving attention.

RENEE EXPLODED, GASPING as she climaxed harder than she ever thought her body
capable. Heaven help her, the man had talent! Head lolling to the side, trying
to draw breath into her lungs, she barely had time to form a coherent thought
before John was drawing her pliant and sated body to his. His tongue swept her
mouth, the smell of her own musk igniting the fire once again, kindling the
banked desire as if it had not been just satisfied.
His eyes gleamed with a dark and sexy light that told her he was not nearly
finished with her and she wasn’t wrong.
Flipping her to her stomach, he rained kisses down her back, hitting erogenous
spots she hadn’t been aware existed, and as he drew her to her knees her arousal
hit a plateau that made her wild with need. She’d never been fond of this
position, always too conscious of how her behind might look but at this moment,
she felt incredibly sexy and wanton and when John seated himself to the hilt the
last thing on her mind was if he was thinking she could stand to lose a few
pounds.
His strokes took on a tell-tale urgency and his labored breathing gave Renee a
dark, powerful thrill knowing that he was nearing his release. That coupled with
the hard glide into her body, hitting the deepest most elusive spot inside her,
sent her hurtling toward her own release that shocked and delighted her as she’d
never been able to reach the Big O from sex alone. She tensed as he did and they
tipped over the edge together, collapsing to the bed, panting with the force of
what they’d achieved with near perfect synchronicity.
It was several moments before either spoke but as the sweat dried on their
bodies, Renee was relieved to see that a condom wrapper was on the floor. She
hadn’t realized he’d even put one on but she was ridiculously grateful that at
least one of them had been thinking clearly enough to use one.
Renee turned away so that John could discreetly dispose of the used condom but
in doing so, the moment seemed to turn awkward. She got up to retrieve her
clothing but John’s hand gently pulling her back to the bed stopped her.
“I should get back to my…um, house, cottage-thing,” she whispered, not quite
sure what to call the small guesthouse. “I don’t want the girls to see me come
out of your room in the morning.”
“It’s a long ways before morning,” he reminded her and her gaze sought the alarm
clock beside the bed. It was several hours before dawn. The entire house was
still sleeping soundly. Was he interested in Round Two? His lips lifted in a
smile but there was nothing suggestive about it. “Stay a bit longer,” he said,
drawing her into the shelter of his arms without waiting for her response. As
John nuzzled her neck she tried not to think how wonderful it felt to be
snuggled against him but her body betrayed her.
“I can’t stay long,” she finally said, settling against him, telling herself it
was only for a few more minutes longer. “The girls…”
“I know,” he said, the faint hint of resignation in his voice telling her he
understood but his arms tightened around her just the same. Her eyelids drooped
against her will. It was too comforting, too inviting to remain there in his
arms. For something that smacked of a terrible idea, it sure felt good.
Was it the phenomenal sex, she wondered silently. It had to be. Who knew John
Murphy was a love guru? She tried to look past what had happened between them
because it was too real, too big to acknowledge but it stared at her with the
unwavering gaze of a predator stalking its prey. It was just her style to fall
in love with a man whom she had no business fooling around with. It was so her
style. Self-destructive, stupid and selfish. Yep. That was her style all right.
So much for changing patterns.
“Stop.”
She startled, all traces of sleep gone from his voice. She turned to face him,
his expression, illuminated by the silvery light streaming from the frosted
windowpane, was troubled and knowing. It was the knowing part that made her want
to run. “Stop what?” she asked.
“Stop thinking whatever’s running through your head,” he said.
“What makes you think I’m thinking about anything?” she tried bluffing but he
saw through her and that made him dangerous.
“You’ve got that look on your face,” he said, smoothing her forehead. “A subtle
frown that says you’re upset about something.”
“What’s to be upset about? We’re two consenting adults. We didn’t do anything
wrong. Everyone needs release every now and again.” She watched him from beneath
her lashes, holding her breath against the reaction she knew her words would
cause.
“Release. I see,” he said, moving away from her. “That’s all it was to you?”
“Wasn’t it for you?”
“Yeah. Sure.” His answer was flippant but his sharp movements as he jerked his
boxers back on told a different story. She winced inwardly because deep down she
knew she was hurting him even if he was too prideful to let it show. But,
really, who were they kidding? It wasn’t as if she was going to move in and be
his little country wife and he was going to adopt three kids that weren’t even
his. In what kind of world does that happen? She lived in the real world even
when it sucked.
She made quick work of finding her clothes and putting them back on, all the
while avoiding any eye contact with John. She didn’t want to see the pain that
would be there. Didn’t want to acknowledge the odd ache in her own chest that
rightly shouldn’t be there. Get real, Renee! You don’t fall in love with a man
after only two months of knowing him. She paused at the door and met his gaze
briefly. “Let’s keep this between us, okay? I don’t want the girls to know,” she
said, not expecting the cold look he sent her way.
“I’ve already forgotten about it,” he answered and her knees threatened to
buckle from the wave of hurt that followed but she’d be damned before she let
him see it.
She stiffened. “Great. So have I.”
Taking care not to slam the door behind her when in fact she wanted to bring the
house down with the force of her pain, she gritted her teeth against the cold
and made the short, slippery walk back to her little cottage. Each step
affirming her decision that playing house with John Murphy had been the
stupidest idea on the planet.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
RENEE STARED MOROSELY at the expensive off-white Berber carpet covering the
expanse of her therapist’s office and wished she had control over the passage of
time. If she did she’d zip past her mandatory meetings with Dr. Perfectly
Put-Together and move straight to the part where she received the all clear to
get the hell out of this place.
“Tell me what’s bothering you today,” Dr. Phillips suggested, her unwavering
gaze soft and knowing at the same time, and Renee shifted in her chair. “The
last few sessions have gone so well, yet today it seems…you’ve had a setback.
What happened?”
I think I fell in love with a man who’s totally inappropriate for my life. As
usual. Obviously, this therapy stuff wasn’t working. She speared the doc with an
annoyed glare. “Can’t we just skip to the part where you tell social services
that everything is fine and I deserve to get my girls back?”
Dr. Phillips smiled her answer, which clearly said Renee was asking for the
moon, and merely waited for Renee to open up. Surprisingly, and almost against
her own will, Renee started talking, or rather, her mouth just started blurting
out things that under ordinary circumstances she would never share. Either way,
the cat was out of the bag.
“I slept with John Murphy. And it was good. No, it was better than good. It was
mind-blowing and frankly, I didn’t even believe that sex could reach that kind
of level but it did and it’s messing with my mind. I mean, really messing with
my mind because now I’ve been wanting things that are impossible and
ridiculous—”
“Such as?”
Renee scowled at the doctor. “Such as things that are completely out of my
reach.”
Dr. Phillips smiled again and in Renee’s present state of agitation it was like
gasoline on a fire. “Please stop smiling at me like that. Like you know
something I don’t. Don’t you understand? I’m bad news. And John doesn’t need or
want the kind of complications I bring to the table. I’m talking major baggage.
The kind you should have to declare before you board the relationship airplane.”
“And you think he doesn’t realize this?”
“Of course he doesn’t,” Renee snapped. “If he did he’d run far and fast.”
“And he’s not.”
“No.” Was that her voice that sounded just a bit mournful? Renee bit her lip to
fight the inexplicable tears that filled her eyes. “No, he’s not.”
“Maybe he sees something in you that he likes and that makes him willing to
shoulder your ‘baggage’ as you call it.”
Renee snorted. “Like what? A recovering alcoholic with a loser ex-husband who
could show up at any moment, and three little girls, one of whom can’t seem to
stand me, and barely tolerates anyone else. Oh, yes. I’m a prime package. Who
wouldn’t want to take me on?”
“Renee,” Dr. Phillips leaned forward. “Anyone can change the course of their
life. Just as you did when you chose sobriety. When you chose to find your girls
no matter what. When you chose to stick it through even though Alexis is not
making it easy. You don’t give yourself enough credit. John is an adult. He
doesn’t need you to protect him from whatever he might choose to take on.”
Renee hated the logic of that statement. It stripped away her carefully
constructed excuses as if they were made from thin strips of gauze and Renee was
left with nothing but the ruin of it in her hands. Silence filled the room.
“It was more than sex,” Renee admitted quietly. “I’m pretty sure I fell in love
with him.” Even before the sex happened. Possibly the moment she realized he’d
protect her girls from everyone…including herself.
“You aren’t sure?”
Renee twisted the strap on her purse and refused to meet the doctor’s gaze. The
inquiry in her voice was enough to make her cheeks burn. Of course she knew. It
was just so mortifying to admit. Who falls in love within such a short time
under these kinds of conditions? It practically screamed dysfunction and Renee
was doing her best to avoid that kind of—
“Has he fallen in love with you?” The doctor broke into Renee’s thoughts.
She swallowed. “I don’t know.”
“And if he has?”
Her heart stuttered painfully and while the possibility filled her soul with
ridiculous misplaced hope that a future with John might be in her grasp, the
cold hand of reality slapped her hard and fast and she forced the next words out
of her mouth.
“Then he’s not as smart as I gave him credit for. There’s absolutely no future
between John and me. I hate it here and I’m leaving as soon as I get the green
light. How’s that for the possibility of happily ever after?”
“Renee—”
Tears blinded her and she ran out of the office before Dr. Phillips could call
her bluff and see the very thing Renee wanted to hide from everyone—including
herself—and that was the fact that she’d fallen hard for the very man that she
should’ve kept her distance from.

RENEE WASN’T THINKING CLEARLY. She drove like a madwoman to the house, one thing
on her mind. Get out. Leave. Run.
Bursting into the house, she started calling for the girls, startling Gladys in
the process.
“Goodness gracious, what’s all the fuss for?” Gladys asked, trailing Renee with
a worried frown. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something. Therapy not go
well today?”
Renee ignored Gladys’s question, intent on finding her girls. She found them in
their bedroom with Alexis at the small desk doing homework and Taylor looking at
a horse picture book with Chloe.
Wiping at the tears flowing down her cheeks, Renee went to the closet and
started pulling clothes from the racks.
Gladys, hands on her hips, exclaimed, “Child, have you done lost your mind? What
are you doing?”
“Leaving.”
Alexis jumped up from her chair and fairly screeched at the top of her lungs,
“No, we’re not! And you can’t make us! The court says—”
“I’m your mother! And I say we’re leaving!”
Gladys paled and disappeared. Renee knew where she was going and panic fueled
her thoughts. Kneeling before Alexis, she implored her oldest child. “Please,
sweetheart. This isn’t the place for us. This isn’t real! The longer we stay the
harder it will be to leave. Don’t you realize that? We don’t belong here. It’s
not our house. Not our family. We’re all we have and we have to stick together.
Please…please…” Her plea ended in a pained whisper and Chloe began to wail.
“Don’t wanna go,” she sniffed as Taylor hugged her close with wide, fearful
eyes. “Don’t wanna g-go.”
Renee felt her heart crack as she looked at her children, their frightened faces
searing into her brain, just as John skidded around the corner with Gladys on
his tail. Brokenhearted and defeated, Renee dropped her face into her hands and
started to sob.
The next thing Renee knew, she was in John’s arms.

JOHN HELD RENEE AS SHE CRIED what seemed like an endless stream of tears. When
Gladys had come running to him in a panic, he’d simply reacted. But then as
Renee had folded in on herself, he couldn’t stop himself from going to her.
Leaving Gladys to calm the girls, he took Renee to the bedroom and closed the
door for privacy.
After a long while, her sobs turned to watery hiccups and John felt her take a
deep, shuddering breath.
“You probably think I’m insane,” she said against his chest.
“The thought did occur to me,” he said mildly.
“You wouldn’t be far off,” she said, pulling away and wiping at her face with
the flat of her palm. “I feel like I’m being torn in two.”
“How so?”
She sighed. “Because.”
“Because why?”
She looked him square in the eye. “What’s going on between us?”
The tender and protective feelings he’d felt moments earlier faded to wariness.
“You said it yourself. Release.”
She swallowed. “What if I was wrong?” She whispered the words as if afraid of
saying them aloud.
It’s the same damn question he’d been asking himself since that night. He’d
always considered himself a simple man but since meeting Renee, his life had
been turned upside down and everything he’d thought was black and white were
really shades of gray. He shared the same insecurities as she did, it’s just
that he didn’t wear his feelings on his sleeve for everyone to see.
“Do you…have feelings for me?” she asked.
The simple answer? Yes. But it wasn’t as simple as that and he wasn’t fool
enough to believe that. Instead of answering, he pointed out, “You hate it here.
So what difference does it make if I do have feelings for you? My life is here.
I’m not going anywhere.”
“I know.”
“So…”
She hung her head, the corners of her mouth pulling down. “So, the very thing
that I didn’t want to happen, has happened and I don’t know what to do about
it.”
John thought about what she was implying but he didn’t have the courage to ask
her to clarify. Did he want to know? He sensed she was talking about more than
the physical act they shared. She wasn’t the only one dealing with a barrage of
inappropriate feelings. She was the last person he wanted to have feelings for.
Renee was like a stick of dynamite, dangerous and ready to explode at any
minute. John liked routine whereas Renee seemed to balk at anything smacking of
customary. He’d been a bachelor for so long…he just didn’t know if he was
capable of becoming a husband and a father in one fell swoop, but the thought of
watching the girls and Renee walk away and never come back took a chunk out of
his heart.
“Wow. This sucks,” Renee said wryly, her voice nasal from the crying jag. He
chuckled but it sounded as hollow as he felt. She drew a deep breath and
apologized for her earlier behavior. “I don’t know what came over me. Tough day
at therapy I guess.”
He nodded but felt it safer to remain silent. There was too much going on in his
head to trust what might come out of his mouth. He couldn’t help but wonder what
chink in Renee’s armor had allowed such a breakdown. Something had obviously hit
a nerve. A part of him needed to know. The other part shied away from the
knowledge. She stood and he didn’t try to stop her.
“I’d like to say that I’m never this irrational but the truth of the matter is…I
have days where I don’t do anything that makes sense. That’s what scares me. I’m
trying to change that part of myself and you seem to bring out that particular
trait in me. I have to steer clear of any self-destructive patterns. Not just
for my girls…but for myself. You understand, right?”
He did. Everything she said made perfect sense and he should’ve just nodded and
agreed because essentially they were on the same page, but his heart was singing
a different tune and the sound of it was drowning out the melody of reason.

IT’D BEEN SEVERAL DAYS since The Day Renee Lost Her Mind as Alexis liked to call
it, and although Renee wished she wouldn’t say that, she had to admire her
daughter’s wry sense of humor about the whole humiliating episode.
Renee was sitting outside on the porch swing watching John in the arena as he
worked with Vixen when Gladys came out to join her with a hot mug of cider.
“He’s something else with that horse,” Gladys remarked mildly and Renee agreed,
somewhat in awe of John in his environment. Something akin to wonder and pride
swelled her heart even though she shouldn’t indulge in such fanciful emotions.
Gladys shook her head. “But then he’s always been something of a miracle worker
when it comes to animals. When he was a boy he used to give his mama fits for
all the critters he’d bring home and stash in his room. Lizards, birds,
squirrels…anything that needed his help. It was just his way.”
The older woman handed Renee the mug and sat in the old wicker chair and sipped
her hot drink in silence. Renee felt terrible for scaring Gladys that day. In
the short time she’d gotten to know Gladys, she felt closer to the older woman
than she had to her own mother.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know you are.”
Renee smiled above her mug. “Were you always this wise or did it come with age?”
“I’ve always been smarter than the average bear,” Gladys answered cheekily,
eliciting a chuckle from Renee. They settled into a companionable silence until
Gladys brought up the one subject Renee wanted to stay away from. “I know you’re
in love with John.” Renee started to protest but Gladys motioned for her to be
quiet and listen. “John is a good man. Better than most I’d say. You’re never
going to find a man as solid and dependable and loving than that man right
there. What more are you looking for, child?”
“What makes you think I’m looking at all?”
“It’s in your eyes. You yearn for happiness and stability and that’s not a bad
thing. Why else would you have stayed with that good-for-nothing nephew of mine?
You were trying to make a go of it even when you knew it was falling apart at
the seams. A woman doesn’t do that when she’s hoping and wishing to be footloose
and fancy-free.”
“Gladys, I wish I could say that was the case but it wasn’t. I stayed because I
was a drunk and a failure. Where else was I supposed to go?”
“Stop that.” Gladys’s normal tone sharpened with her annoyance. “Everyone makes
mistakes. It’s how you deal with those mistakes that make up the strength of
your backbone. You didn’t run away from your girls. You went to get help for
yourself first so you could take care of them properly. You couldn’t have known
that Jason was going to fly the coop or do something to Chloe. If you had, I
know you wouldn’t have left them behind. Stop beating yourself up, child.”
If only it were that simple. “Alexis…she’s never going to forgive me.”
“She will. But it’ll take time. She loves you something fierce. Trust me in this
if nothing else.”
Tears stung Renee’s eyes. “I miss her.” Desperately. Renee hadn’t realized how
much she depended on her oldest daughter until she fell into the void left by
her absence. It also made her realize that she’d put entirely too much pressure
on the child and somewhere along the way Alexis had lost her childhood. How
could Renee give it back to her?
“And she misses you. Don’t give up. She’ll come around when she senses she can
trust you. But you know, the problem isn’t with Alexis or John.”
“Oh?” Renee wiped at her eyes. “What is the problem then?”
Gladys pointed and tapped Renee gently in the chest where her heart beat
painfully. “It’s here.”
“What do you mean?” Renee asked, though to be truthful she was afraid of what
Gladys was going to say. Part of her already knew.
“Honey, you’re afraid of opening up and letting go of that part of yourself that
keeps you believing that you’re not worthy of a good life.”
“Why wouldn’t I want to let go of that?” Renee asked, half joking, despite the
look in Gladys’s eyes that was anything but full of laughter.
“That’s something you have to ask yourself, child. When you find that answer,
everything else will fall into place.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
JOHN WAS ON A SHORT FUSE the day Cutter Buford returned to collect his horse and
Cutter’s attitude didn’t improve matters.
It had taken weeks to get Vixen to the point where she would tolerate John—and
no one else—but Cutter wasn’t pleased that his expensive horseflesh clearly
seemed to hate him. Her nostrils flared and she neighed sharply as she punched
the ground with her front hooves.
“What’s this shit?” Cutter yelled, jumping away from Vixen and out of the arena
as John followed. “I paid you good money to tame this horse! She doesn’t look
any different than when I brought her to you.”
“She doesn’t like you,” John said, unwilling to sugarcoat anything for this
dumb-ass abusive man. “I can’t change that. For what it’s worth, she doesn’t act
up around me.”
“Well that doesn’t do me any good, now does it?” he sneered, sucking back a wad
of spit before letting it fly at John’s feet. “I paid you good money and all I
get for it is ‘she don’t like you’? I want my money and my horse back you son of
a bitch. Now.”
John wasn’t impressed or intimidated by Cutter’s bluster but he was interested
in one thing. “Let me buy her off you,” he suggested.
“Excuse me?”
“You said it yourself, she’s no good to you if you can’t ride her. She’s not
likely to ever take a shine to you seeing as you abused her.” Cutter’s face
turned florid at the accusation but John wasn’t finished. “That’s right. Abused.
You’re out of your mind if you think I can’t recognize the signs.”
“Watch what you’re saying,” Cutter warned. “I don’t take kindly to being accused
of beating my horses.”
“And I don’t take kindly to someone bringing me a horse they’ve mistreated and
then threatening to put me out of business because I couldn’t fix what you
broke.”
Cutter’s jaw clenched and then ordered his horse loaded.
“What are you going to do with her?” John asked.
Cutter threw a dark look his way. “I’d say that’s none of your business.”
“Perhaps. But let me tell you one more thing. I filed a report with the
Sheriff’s Department about my suspicions and took pictures of the odd wounds
that were on her flank when she arrived. Don’t be surprised if you get a call.
Who knows, they might find cause to poke around your stables and make sure the
rest of your horses aren’t suffering from the same type of treatment.”
John was mildly concerned that Cutter was going to drop dead from a heart attack
as the man’s face went three different shades of red during the course of their
short conversation but the truth was, John knew if he didn’t persuade Cutter to
cut Vixen loose, Cutter was going to more than likely put a bullet between her
eyes. He was a cruel son of a bitch and John had grown fond of the cantankerous
horse.
“Sell her to me and we’ll conclude our business together,” John said, a thread
of steel in his tone.
Cutter paused, clearly torn between wanting to storm out of there in a cloud of
dust and taking the money for a horse he would never be able to ride. In the
end, greed won out and for that John was grateful for the man’s baser instincts.
Biting out an exorbitant sum, John countered with a more acceptable one and
Cutter, knowing he was still coming out on the plus side, accepted.
Cutter sent one last ugly look at Vixen and said, “You two deserve each other. I
hope she breaks your neck.”
John laughed at that and flipped Cutter off as he drove away. As Gladys would
say, “Good riddance to bad rubbish.” And damn if that wasn’t the truth.
Out of nowhere, Taylor jumped into his arms like a monkey and rained kisses on
his wind-chapped cheeks. “I knew you wouldn’t let Vixen go to that bad man! I
just knew it!”
His heart warmed at Taylor’s unabashed adoration and he hugged her tight. He
turned to walk to the house and caught Renee watching him and Taylor with a soft
look in her eyes. If Taylor’s belief in him warmed him, Renee’s look started a
fire deep inside. A man could spend a lifetime basking in the heat of that
stare, he realized.
Shaken, he offered a lopsided smile as he approached.
“Renee, Mr. John bought Vixen so she never has to leave the ranch.” She cocked
her head. “Do you think Mr. John could buy us so we could stay, too?”
Renee laughed and the sound was something he wished he could bottle up and
savor. He was losing his damn mind over a woman, but the funny thing?—he didn’t
care as much as he thought he would.

“I’M THINKING OF INVITING my brother and his family over for dinner. How do you
feel about that?” John asked casually the following evening. Renee looked up
from her crossword with a startled expression.
“Oh, sure. Do you want me and the girls to cut out for the evening? We could go
for pizza or something I guess.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I’d like you and the girls to stay.”
She looked uncertain and he knew how she felt. He felt the same but he wanted
Evan to meet her. His younger brother was the only person’s opinion he trusted
more than Gladys’s, and right now he could use all the help he could get in
sorting out the mess that was going on in his head.

RENEE WAS A NERVOUS WRECK. Why did she agree to this? She should’ve flat out
refused. She had no business meeting his family. That just tangled an already
confusing situation. But she’d be a liar if she wasn’t touched by his desire to
open up to her like that. From what she’d learned of John he was an intensely
private person and he rarely invited any woman into the inner sanctum of his
life. So what did it mean that he was inviting her and the girls? Well, it
wasn’t so much about the girls. She already knew he’d fallen in love with them.
Not that that was hard. Her daughters were pretty awesome but what did that say
about her? Was he falling for her? He’d never actually said the words to her and
she wasn’t about to put money on a feeling or a hunch.
Voices carried from the living room and Renee knew she couldn’t hide in the
bathroom forever. Smoothing her western-style skirt she’d purchased in town, she
gave one final look at her hair in the mirror and noted in despair that it was
springing free from the fashion clip she’d tried to use, and with an exasperated
sigh she pulled it free. Ruffing her hair for some lift, she just hoped for the
best and left the bathroom.
She rounded the corner from the hallway to see a very blond family getting out
of their overcoats. Evan and his wife shared nearly the same shade of blond as
one another and there were two young boys with only slightly different shades of
blond bounding around the room. Taylor was squealing with delight at their
antics.
“You must be Renee.” The blond woman came toward Renee with a warm, inviting
smile that immediately put Renee at ease as she accepted a handshake in welcome.
“I’m Natalie. That man over there is my husband, Evan, and those little monsters
tearing up the living room are our sons, Colton and Justin. Your girls are
beautiful. But it’s no wonder, just look at their mother.”
Renee blushed but loved the compliment for her daughters’ sake. She took pride
in her daughters and knew they were all quite pretty. “Thank you. Your sons
aren’t hard on the eyes, either,” Renee said in return.
Natalie smiled and then the boys, who looked roughly two years apart, with the
younger looking to be close to the same age as Chloe, took off for the rec room.
Moments later the sounds of cue balls smacking into one another were heard
followed by laughter.
“Seems they’ve hit it off,” Natalie observed, then gestured toward the kitchen.
“Let’s go see if Gladys needs any help. Did she ever tell you she’s the reason I
met Evan in the first place?”
“Um, no, I don’t think so.” Renee followed, intrigued by this personal history.
“But I’d love to hear that story.”
“Well, I got duped into going white-water rafting and Gladys was the first
person I met on the trip, aside from Evan, who was the river guide. Long story
short, we met and now that I look back, I realize it was love at first sight.
Oh, and then I got pregnant.”
That shocked a laugh out of Renee. “Love at first sight, huh? You sure it wasn’t
just baby hormones?”
“Oh, I tried to tell myself that at first because I wasn’t planning to be a mom
or a wife at the time but things happened as they should have and I’m so glad.”
They reached the kitchen and after a lot of exclaiming and hugging between the
two women, Gladys enlisted the help of both Renee and Natalie to put the
finishing touches on dinner.
Renee silently marveled at the easy camaraderie between the two women as well as
the obvious love and she couldn’t help but compare the relationships she’d had
in her life even though it was like comparing apples to oranges. She’d never
known female companionship such as this. Not with friends, certainly not with
her mother. The closest she’d ever come to something like this was the brief
relationship she’d shared with her elderly aunt Katherine. Aunt Kat, as she’d
liked to be called. Melancholy followed the precious few memories she had of
Aunt Kat, which was why Renee rarely called them up.
Then her thoughts wandered to her girls and what kind of relationships they’ve
had in their lives. Alexis had been right when she’d said they’d moved around a
lot. Sustaining ties wasn’t something the Dolling family had excelled at. Jason
had a tendency to get itchy like a caged animal if they stayed in one place for
too long. Plus, it was true, just about the time Jason was ready to get out of
Dodge, was about the same time their luck had run out with local creditors.
Renee came out of the morass of her own thoughts when she realized Natalie was
asking her a question.
“I’m sorry…what did you say?” Renee asked, embarrassed to be caught in her own
head like that. “I didn’t catch what you said.”
“Oh, it was nothing. Gladys and I got to talking about my sisters and what
they’ve been up to and I asked if you had any sisters or brothers.”
“No. Single child. I wish I’d had siblings, though,” Renee said, which was true.
She’d always hoped for a sibling, if only to take the pressure from herself.
Bearing the weight of her parents’ hopes and dreams all by herself had been a
little daunting. “But it was just me.”
“I can vouch for having sisters. I’d be lost without them,” Natalie said and
Gladys chuckled knowingly. “Oh, don’t get me wrong. They drive me crazy but it’s
nice to always have someone in your corner.”
“I bet,” Renee murmured, thinking of her daughters and how close they were. She
smiled in spite of the lingering pain that ghosted her heart when she thought of
her girls and what they’d been through. “I’m glad my girls have each other.”
Natalie nodded, then as she brought the salad bowl to the table, her eyes took
on an interested sparkle as she asked the one thing Renee didn’t know how to
answer without ruining the whole evening. “So, I’m a little unclear…how did you
and John meet?”
Renee thought hard on how to answer. She didn’t want to destroy the nice
impression Natalie had of her but then again, she didn’t want to lie, either.
She glanced at Gladys as if looking for guidance and she received an encouraging
smile. Taking a deep breath, Renee said, “I lost custody of my girls, and Gladys
and John are taking care of them for me until I can get them back. That’s all.”
“Oh.” Natalie looked nonplussed. “But I thought you and John were…dating.”
“No. He’s just being a good Samaritan.”
“Well, he’s definitely good at that. Hmm, well, it’s nice to meet you just the
same. I’d hoped for something a little more, to be truthful. From what I know of
John, he’s never let a stranger move into his space without a good reason and
the only reason I could imagine was that he’d finally fallen in love.” Natalie
huffed a disappointed sigh. “Well, I guess it’s true. I’m such a hopeless
romantic.”
Renee smiled and secretly wished Natalie had been right. She wanted John to want
her—not just the girls—in his life. And the knowledge that she still yearned for
something so foreign and quite possibly out of reach was disturbing.

JOHN TOOK EVAN OUT TO THE BARN to see his newly acquired horse after sharing the
circumstances as to how the mare came into his possession. Then the brothers
chitchatted about nothing for a while until John got around to broaching the
subject he needed his brother’s opinion on.
“She seems like a passionate woman,” Evan remarked to John’s surprise.
“What makes you say that?”
“I can see it in her eyes. She was holding back at dinner. Am I wrong?”
John thought of Renee throughout dinner and how reserved she seemed and he had
to agree. “No. You’re right. Something was weighing on her mind tonight. No
doubt she was nervous about meeting you and Natalie. She’s been judged pretty
harshly by people recently. I think maybe she was afraid you guys might judge
her, too.”
“I hope she knows after tonight that we’re not like that,” Evan said seriously.
“I think she does.”
“Good. I like her,” Evan announced.
John looked at his brother. “You do? No reservation? Even after what I told you?
With the kids and the ex and all that?”
“People make mistakes. She seems to be a good person. You could do a lot worse.”
“What makes you think I’m interested in her in that way?” John bluffed, silently
chafing that Evan could read him so easily. He was the older brother, for crying
out loud, yet Evan seemed the wiser at the moment. Had to be Natalie’s
influence, thought John peevishly, but then in all fairness to Evan he had to
admit that fatherhood had treated Evan well, rounding out the rough edges until
he was a man to be proud of. “She’s a handful,” John admitted.
“The best ones usually are.”
“What if I’m not ready to be a father and a husband?”
Evan chuckled. “Seems to me like you’re already playing the part, minus a few
details here and there.”
“I’ve been a bachelor for a long time,” he reminded Evan. “I might not be able
to change to accommodate an instant family.”
At that Evan laughed aloud. “Brother, you’re kidding yourself. You’ve already
changed. Those girls have you wrapped around their finger. Face it…you’re in
love.”
John grunted. There was no sense in denying it. He did love those girls. But
what about Renee? He knew the answer to that, too, but couldn’t seem to admit it
just yet.
“She’s leaving as soon as the court awards custody,” he said, his heart
contracting at the very thought. “She’s pretty vocal about that. Can’t stand
living in the country. She’s going to go back to where it doesn’t snow and it’s
one hundred degrees in the shade.”
“How much more time before the court awards custody?”
John’s mouth pulled at the corners. “Not long. Two weeks, I suppose. We have
another court hearing coming up.”
Evan surprised him with a hearty thump on the back. “Then I suggest if you don’t
want to lose all of them you better get to work finding a way to make this place
somewhere Renee would happily call home.”
“And how do you suppose I do that?” John asked dourly. “Offer to paint? New
wallpaper?”
Evan laughed. “That would be your problem. I can’t do everything for you. Isn’t
that what you used to tell me when I’d get myself into a scrap? Damn, it feels
good to finally be able to say that to you.”
He gave John a wide grin and John couldn’t help but return it before muttering,
“If that’s the extent of your wisdom let’s get back to the house before we
freeze our asses off.”
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
ALEXIS SAT AS FAR AWAY from Renee as she could, on the farthest edge of the
sofa, but at least she wasn’t glaring at her, thought Renee, trying to cling to
any semblance of progress with her daughter.
It was the second integration therapy between her and Alexis and the first one
had been a disaster, not that Renee had expected much else. But Renee was
willing to do anything to bridge the gap between them, even if that meant more
sessions with Dr. Phillips, which frankly set her teeth on edge.
“Alexis…did you bring your letter?” Dr. Phillips inquired gently. Alexis gave a
faint nod. Renee nearly let out a whoosh of breath she’d been holding. Dr.
Phillips looked to Renee. “Renee…did you bring yours?”
Renee nodded and pulled a folded up piece of paper from her purse.
“Excellent. Now this is how it will work. Last week I gave you both an
assignment. You were to write a letter to the person you are most hurt by and
tell them all the things you are sorry for and all the things that you feel the
other person should apologize for.” She held up a finger to silence Alexis
before she could interject something caustic and continued in her soft voice.
“This is a safe place. When you are reading your letter there will be no
interruptions from the other party. This is about healing and listening.”
Renee’s palms felt sweaty but she waited for Dr. Phillips.
Alexis shot Renee an uncertain look before turning to Dr. Phillips. “Do I have
to go first?” she asked in a small, hard voice.
“Only if you want to.”
“I don’t.”
Dr. Phillips nodded and turned to Renee. “Then Renee shall go first. You don’t
mind, do you?”
Renee shook her head and lifted her letter so she could read it, although tears
were already clogging her throat as she cleared it. She started, only to stop
and have to start again before she could get her mouth to cooperate.
“My darling, sweet Alexis. I am deeply sorry that I put you in a position where
you had to be the parent because I couldn’t be. Your father and I took your
childhood away from you with our selfish behavior and I can’t change the past
but I can give you a better future if you’ll let me. I am so sorry for the
missed birthday parties, the constant moving around and the burden we placed on
you at such a young age. Even though I thought I was doing the right thing, I
never should’ve left you and the babies behind with your father. I should’ve
realized he was unstable. His drug use had gotten out of control but I was
panicked. I couldn’t stay there a minute longer without doing something crazy
and in a moment of pure desperation I put myself before my children. I’ll spend
the rest of my life regretting that choice. Every night Chloe screams in her
sleep it rips my heart out. Every time I see that frightened look in Taylor’s
eyes I want to cry but worse…every time I see that cold, hateful expression in
your eyes when you look at me, I cringe because I know I deserve it.”
Renee paused a minute to gauge Alexis’s reaction and was bolstered by the silent
yet wide-eyed look as her oldest daughter listened. She continued.
“Alexis…my golden girl. My soldier. Child of my heart. I can never explain the
depth of my love for you. It’s bottomless. I can only hope that someday when
you’re holding your own child in your arms you’ll understand the depth of what I
feel for you. Until then, I just want the privilege of being your mother. If
you’ll just let me in, I promise I’ll never let you down again.”
Renee wiped her eyes and slowly folded her letter. Dr. Phillips gestured to
Alexis, encouraging her gently. “It’s your turn, sweetheart. Say what you need
to say to your mom.”
Alexis turned her blue eyes to Dr. Phillips as if pleading with her but when the
doctor simply offered a smile of encouragement, Alexis pulled a crumpled piece
of paper from her pocket and smoothed it out so she could read it. Swallowing
hard, she began in a small voice.
“I’m mad at you for running away and not taking us with you and leaving us with
Daddy. I’m mad because I tried to be the best daughter but you left anyway. You
left us all behind and then you didn’t find us in time before Daddy hurt Chloe.
I’m mad because I couldn’t stop him from putting her outside in the rain. I’m
mad because you didn’t love us more than you loved your drinks. I’m mad
because—”
Alexis stopped long enough to suck back a watery hiccup,
“—you said you’d never leave us and you did. You left us behind. Why?”
That last part came out a pained whisper and Renee felt her heart splinter in a
million pieces.
“I do love you,” she whispered back. “I do. So much.”
Alexis wiped a sleeve across her running nose and her eyes were red-rimmed and
glassy. “I don’t believe you.”
“I know. But I will gladly spend the rest of my life showing you how much I’ve
changed if you’d just let me try.”
“What if you leave again?”
“I won’t.” Renee made that a solemn promise.
“What if you start drinking again?”
Renee took a deep breath. She wouldn’t lie to her daughter. “Every day is a
struggle not to drink but I am committed to sobriety. I haven’t slipped yet and
every day that I don’t drink is a victory that I celebrate. It’s one day at a
time, sweetheart. That’s the only promise I can make.”
“Alexis…do you miss your mom?”
Her small bottom lip quivered, giving away the answer even though Alexis
remained silent. Then, Alexis looked to Dr. Phillips and nodded.
“Then tell her.”
Alexis slowly met Renee’s gaze and time seemed to stop for Renee as her daughter
struggled to get out the words that seemed trapped in her small chest. But
finally Renee heard the words that she so longed to hear and nearly collapsed
from the weight of it.
“I miss you…Mom.”
Renee didn’t wait and scooped her daughter into her arms, clutching her young
body to her own as if it were a lifeline to heaven and her own sobs mingled with
Alexis’s. She whispered into her hair, inhaling deep the sweet scent of her
child as she clung to her, “I will never let you down again. Ever.”
And that was a promise she’d never break.

JOHN NOTICED THE DIFFERENCE in Alexis the moment she and Renee returned from
their therapy session. There was a tentative peacefulness that hadn’t been there
previously. A weight fell from his shoulders as he realized they must’ve turned
a corner together. He was glad. It hurt him to see Alexis so twisted up inside
over this thing with her mother.
But even as he was happy for Renee, his mind was turning in circles over what
was soon to come. Their court date was fast approaching, which meant it was
likely the judge was going to rule in Renee’s favor. And he should. She was a
good mother and she deserved her children back. If only it didn’t hurt like hell
to think of how empty his house and his life would be with their absence.
He was accustomed to his little shadow out in the barn as Taylor never missed a
morning to get up and help him before she went off to school, no matter how
early or cold. She was an endless source of entertainment with her playful
antics and unique slant on things. She was more like him than he would’ve ever
deemed possible even though they shared no blood. Alexis was a beauty he knew
would need someone to watch out for her when the boys started to realize just
how pretty she was. He wanted to be around to make sure that she was treated
right by any boy who happened to catch her eye and heaven help any kid who made
her cry. And Chloe…a perpetually soft spot was held for that sunny kid. The
other day she’d called him Daddy. He’d kept it to himself but it had affected
him in a powerful way. He didn’t correct her though he knew he should’ve.
Of course, it all came down to Renee, though. She dominated his thoughts morning
and night. His hungry gaze sought her out and feasted whenever he found her. Her
fair beauty, wonderful curves and hearty laughter made him grin like a silly
boy.
For the first time in his life, he knew what it was like to pine for someone who
was out of his reach. Before he realized it, he’d left the arena and had
wandered to Renee’s cottage. He meant to stop and turn around once he realized
where he was headed but his feet weren’t listening any more than his heart was
and soon he was knocking on her door.
She opened it and offered him an unsure smile. “The girls okay?”
“They’re fine. Doing homework and eating cookies. Can I come in for a minute?”
“Sure.” She held the door open wider and he moved past her, their bodies
touching briefly and electrifying the space between them.
“Things go well at therapy?”
She smiled. “Actually, I can’t believe I’m going to say this but yes, it did go
well. I think Alexis and I are going to be okay.”
“I’m glad.”
“Any problems with that Cutter guy since buying Vixen?” she asked.
He shook his head. “He’s a puss. Sheriff Casey paid him a visit a few days ago
and a little bird told me that he might be leaving town. Just doesn’t fit in, I
guess.”
“It’s hard to fit in with a small town,” Renee murmured. “Outsiders…they aren’t
exactly welcomed with open arms around here.”
“For people like Cutter Buford, you’re right. But if you’re talking about
yourself, you’re wrong. This town would embrace you if you let them.”
She looked at him and he read a wealth of insecurity there. Finally, she shook
her head sadly. “I’m not small-town girl material. Even if I wish I were.”
That last part came out a soft whisper that twisted his heart in wicked knots.
“You could be,” he said.
“What would I do here? I can’t continue to be your housekeeper. What would
happen to me and my girls when you meet someone you want to settle down with?
I’m tired of having a throwaway future.”
He wanted to tell her that he’d found the person he wanted to settle down with
but his damn mouth wouldn’t cooperate. She was set on leaving. Who was he to try
and convince her otherwise? Seemed an exercise doomed to fail in his book. He
gave a curt nod as if he understood and perhaps even agreed when in fact he was
just afraid of being rejected. He really didn’t have all that much practice with
putting his heart on the line. He didn’t know what to say or do to make it right
for the both of them.
Instead he changed subjects. “Are you nervous about court?” he asked.
She risked a small smile but it looked ragged on the edges as she admitted,
“Yes. Very.”
“Don’t be,” he assured her roughly. “You’ve done all the right things. You
deserve to get your girls back.”
Her eyes warmed with gratitude and it nearly knocked him over. She grasped his
hand tightly. “Thank you. For everything you’ve done for my girls…and for me. I
can never repay you.”
He wanted to shuck off her gratitude knowing that he selfishly wanted to do
anything to hold on to them, but he merely accepted her thanks with another
short nod before grasping the door handle to leave.
“John…”
He turned. “Yeah?”
Her eyes shone with a soft light that he’d happily go blind from and it seemed
she yearned for him to say something to fill the space between them, but the odd
ache in his chest was making it difficult to think clearly. Crossing to him, she
wrapped her arms around him and he automatically reciprocated, sheltering her
within his arms as her lips found his in a tender, soul-searing kiss that rocked
him to his toes.
He gripped her tightly, afraid to let go, afraid to continue. Slanting his mouth
greedily over hers, he was tempted to devour her for the need fueling his blood.
He’d never get enough. In a million years he’d never have his fill of this
woman. Her body molded to his in perfect symmetry like two pieces of a puzzle
locking together and he wondered how he’d ever thought he’d been in love before
this moment. He knew this was love because he’d watch her walk away if he knew
that would make her happy.
Pulling away slowly, he memorized the features of her face. Then with a final
crack of his heart, he made his voice take on a light tone as if what had just
happened between them hadn’t just laid bare every emotion he was capable of
feeling, and he said, “A simple thank you would’ve been fine.”
Her expression dimmed and she looked at him with open hurt for his flippant
comment. “Why do you have to do that?”
He sighed and tugged at his baseball cap. “Renee…we always knew this day would
come. I’ve never been one for long goodbyes and obviously I’m no good at this
stuff.”
“You don’t have to make it worse,” she said coldly.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
That seemed to mollify her slightly and she nodded. Without much else to say
that wouldn’t inadvertently make things worse between them, John let himself
out.

TOMORROW WAS HER COURT DATE and she was all packed and ready to go. She knew
there was a slim possibility that the judge might not rule in her favor but
she’d been in contact with her social worker and since Alexis’s turn-around in
therapy, she had reason to hope for a good resolution. By tomorrow, she and her
girls could leave this place behind and everything it entailed.
So why did her heart feel like lead in her chest? Sinking her head into her
hands as she plopped down on the edge of the bed, she exhaled loudly and wanted
to groan.
She just needed space to think. Once she and the girls were settled somewhere
else without John around to cloud their judgment things would clear up. She
avoided thinking about how upset the girls would be when she told them they were
leaving. Alexis knew the court date was coming yet she had remained silent,
knowing as well that the little girls wouldn’t understand why they couldn’t
stay. Renee wasn’t sure if Alexis understood, either, but she was placing her
trust in Renee to do what was right for them.
That was it, though. Right now, Renee didn’t know what was right. If she
listened to her traitorous heart the right thing was to stay here with John and
build a life in the sticks even though that went against everything she thought
she wanted. If she listened to her head and consequently her pride, the right
thing was to get in the car and drive far, far away and try to blot out the
memory of ever being here. The girls would adapt and everything would be fine.
Easier said than done. Her heart already wailed at the thought of walking out
that door and never coming back. She’d miss John in a way that was palpable.
How’d that happen? Sneaky man with his handsome face and rough disposition, she
groused. Slapping the bedspread and causing dust motes to float lazily into the
stream of sunlight coming through the window, she was nowhere closer to finding
the truth of her feelings than she was when she started asking questions.
Here’s what it came down to: Did she love John Murphy? The kind of love that was
gritty and messy and strong and wonderful? Or was this a fleeting infatuation
that would eventually weaken under the strain of everyday living?
She thought of John with her girls and her heart filled with love for his
willing sacrifice. She thought of John with Gladys and his deep feelings for an
older woman who wasn’t his blood and respect blossomed. And lastly, she thought
of John the night they made love and she had her answer.
So why did that make her want to cry?
CHAPTER NINETEEN
THE DAY OF COURT BROKE with bright rays of yellow sunshine and birds chirping as
if it weren’t the worst day of John’s life.
Showering quickly, he told himself it was better to get this over with than drag
it out. He knew Renee hadn’t told the girls that today was the day they might
leave and he knew why she was reluctant. The news wasn’t likely to go over very
well. He didn’t begrudge her wanting to put off that moment for as long as she
could. Besides, there was always a slim chance the judge might want a little
more time to decide. The flicker of hope he felt at that possibility filled him
with guilt. It was plain selfish to think that way and he was instantly ashamed
for even considering it. Renee deserved her children and he wouldn’t say or do a
thing to keep them from her.
She’d come a long way from the woman he’d first seen that cold winter day. He
didn’t even recognize her as the same person. There was no way he could’ve seen
the true woman hiding behind that angry facade that first day. He wondered how
things might’ve been different if he had…shaking off the useless direction of
his thoughts he trained his focus on his breakfast, not trusting his own mouth
to remain buttoned without something to keep it busy.
In spite of the sunny day the morning was promising to turn into, the house had
a pall over it that only the adults seemed to notice. The girls got ready for
school just as they always did. Chloe sat at the breakfast table eating her
cereal while Gladys and Renee made lunches for the two older girls.
“Bye, Mom!” Alexis and Taylor said in unison as they grabbed their lunch sacks
and ran for the door as the sound of the school bus rumbled down the road. It
was all so damn normal and appealing that John had to blink back an odd moisture
in his eyes.
“What time is court?” Gladys asked once the older girls were gone and Chloe had
scampered off to watch her favorite early morning cartoons.
“Eight-thirty,” Renee answered, shooting a vulnerable look John’s way.
“Then you’d better get going, I suppose,” Gladys said, her voice tinged with
sadness. She hugged Renee tightly and offered good luck. To John she said, “You
driving?”
He looked at Renee and she shrugged. “Sure,” he answered, though his chest felt
tight.
They drove in silence until John couldn’t take it any longer. Desperation had
started to set in and all he could think of was that he was about to lose the
people in his life that had come to mean the most.
“Renee—”
Suddenly Renee twisted to stare out the window to the vehicle that had just
barreled past them and she cut him off with a shriek. “Oh my God! That was
Jason!”
Everything else forgotten, he looked at Renee sharply. “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. He’s headed for Gladys’s house and Gladys mentioned that she and
Chloe were going to go and water her plants this morning. Turn around, turn
around!”
Wrenching the wheel, John chewed up the gravel on the shoulder and punched the
gas to head back where they’d came.
“Why is he coming back? What does he want?” she asked, clearly talking to
herself. The panic in her voice mirroring the growing rage that was building
inside him if that man so much as touched a hair on Chloe’s head. “Thank God the
older girls are at school,” she said to John and he agreed. The less they
witnessed the better off they’d be. John had a feeling things were about to get
ugly. She turned to him, clutching at his shirtsleeve with wide, frightened
eyes. “What if he tries to take Chloe to get back at me or he forces Gladys to
tell him where his girls go to school? Oh, God…why is he doing this? Why
couldn’t he just stay gone!”
“There’s a restraining order filed against him, barring him from contact with
the girls or coming onto the ranch and there’s a warrant out for his arrest.
He’s not going anywhere.”
“Pieces of paper aren’t going to stop Jason if he wants to take them,” Renee
said. “He’s never had any respect for the law, he’s not about to start now.”
“We’ll see about that.” Flipping open his cell phone, he dialed Sheriff Casey’s
cell phone. “John here. That SOB is back and he’s headed for Gladys’s place.
Send a deputy if you want things handled your way. We were on our way to court
when we passed him on the highway. He’s driving a beat-up silver Nissan with
Arizona plates.”
“Jason is unstable,” Renee told John in a thready voice tinged with true fear.
“He was always a bit of a wild card…it’s part of what attracted me the most,”
she added in a shameful whisper. He couldn’t help but wonder if that sort of
thing was still what turned her clock but his question must’ve planted itself in
his expression because she shook her head decisively. “Not now. Back when I was
a stupid, rebellious kid. I’ve had enough of that kind of excitement. But right
now…I want to plant my fist in Jason’s face.”
“You and me both,” John muttered darkly. God help the man if they got there
before the deputies. The way John figured it, he and good ol’ Jason had a few
things to settle.
“He might take Chloe for leverage,” Renee said suddenly, the furrow in her brow
deepening with pain. “He’s used the kids against me before. He’d do it again.
Oh, God, John, please don’t let him hurt my baby again.”
“He won’t touch her.” That was a promise.

GLADYS WAS IN THE PROCESS of watering her spider plant and singing “You Are My
Sunshine” with Chloe when Jason walked into the kitchen.
Chloe saw Jason first. Gladys didn’t realize someone was in the house with them
until Chloe started crying.
“What’s wrong, sugar?” she asked, nearly dropping the watering can in her hand
when she saw Jason standing there looking like a man on death row. “Jason? What
are you doing here?”
Gladys kept Chloe behind her and glared at Jason though in truth the look in his
eyes made her knees quake. He looked like death warmed over in his filthy
clothes and oily hair, but it was the emptiness of his eyes that made Gladys
want to take the baby and run in the opposite direction.
“No hello? Nice to see you? How’ve you been? Well, thanks for asking. Things
have been a little rough to tell the truth.” His voice cracked as if he’d been
shouting at the top of his lungs at a rock concert before he arrived. He came
toward her and she took a few steps back, weighing her exit strategy. Jason
shook his head at her as if disappointed. “Aunt Gladys, you’re hurting my
feelings. That’s plenty far.” His voice hardened. “If you know what’s good for
you you’ll stop.”
Jason pulled a gun from the back of his grimy jeans’ waistband and Gladys
couldn’t help the gasp that followed.
“Have you lost your mind, boy? You can’t come in here and start waving a gun.
You’re frightening Chloe.”
“Poor Chloe,” he crooned and the sound sent a chill down Gladys’s back. “Poor
little daddy-less Chloe. The baby no one wants.”
“Shut your mouth,” Gladys said, anger vibrating through her stout body in spite
of the danger that radiated from Jason’s wasted body. “You hear me? Shut your
filthy mouth before I slap you into next week. You’ve got no call to come in
here and be nasty to this little girl.”
“All right, all right,” Jason snapped, waving Gladys down as if the sound of her
voice grated on his strung-out nerves. “God, can’t you take a joke? I was just
kidding around.”
“What do you want? Money? Fine. I’ll get my purse, write you a check and you can
get the hell out of my sight and never come back.”
He shook his head and wiped at the thin rivulet of snot that trickled from his
reddened nose and sucked back the rest. “Now you’re really hurting my feelings,
Auntie. I want my girls,” he said. “Don’t they miss me? Where are they?”
“Not here.”
“Then where?”
Gladys switched tactics, delaying for time although she didn’t know how she was
going to get to the phone without him noticing. Somehow she didn’t think he’d
let her just walk to the phone and ring the sheriff.
“You look like hell. Let me guess, drugs?”
Jason scowled. “Shut up. Where’s your purse?”
Petty little thief, she wanted to mutter but instead moved past him to grab her
purse on the table. Chloe’s cries had turned to soft whimpers that pulled at
Gladys’s heart. She narrowed her gaze at Jason. “How much is it going to take to
get you out of my life?”
His gaze turned shrewd. “How much you got?”
Gladys thought of her nest egg and narrowed her stare. “Enough. What’s it going
to take, Jason?”
“My girls…are they doing okay?” he asked. A disconsolate expression pulled his
mouth into a grim line and he rubbed at his red-rimmed eyes with the flat of his
palm while still gripping the gun. “I mean…do they ask about me?”
“No, they don’t.” Gladys stared at him coldly. “In fact, they’re fine. Better
since they’ve seen the last of you.”
He looked at her. “What the hell are you talking about, old woman?”
“You’ve lost custody. There are consequences for neglect and abuse, Jason.”
His stare hardened. “You old bitch.”
“Foul-mouthed hooligan.” She lifted her chin.
Jason lunged at Gladys but spooked Chloe instead and the toddler tried to bolt,
attracting his attention. Gladys couldn’t catch her fast enough but Jason could,
the rage in his eyes scaring the life out of Gladys for Chloe’s safety, not her
own. “Chloe, no!” she screamed but Jason already had the baby in his grip.
Grabbing the toddler, he hoisted her in the air, the gun still in one hand,
tipping her upside down until she screamed and Gladys squeezed tears from her
eyes. “Put her down,” she ordered, trying for some semblance of authority but
Jason merely laughed.
“Shut up, you old bag, and start writing that check. Besides—” he gave Chloe a
shake “—I’m just playing. We used to do this all the time, didn’t we,
Chloe-baby? She loves it.”
Gladys felt on the verge of begging, terrified for Chloe and of what Jason was
capable of doing in his current mental state.
“I’m going to give you two seconds to put down that baby before I tear your head
off.”
The air rushed out of Gladys’s lungs in undisguised relief as John and Renee
came around the corner. There was murder in John’s eyes and Gladys didn’t feel
sorry for Jason one bit for the beat-down that was coming his way.

RENEE WANTED TO RUSH JASON and rip Chloe out of his grasp but she was afraid he
might drop the baby straight on her head out of spite. Fear kept her rooted but
hatred flowed through her veins, thick and hot.
“Hey Rae…long time no see. Who’s he?”
“Put. The. Baby. Down.”
Jason slowly lowered Chloe but then dropped her the remaining distance and she
fell. Gladys, closest to her, pulled the crying baby to her and put distance
between them.
John stalked toward Jason until he raised the gun. “Ah, ah, ah. Remember who’s
holding the gun. That would be me, jackass, so before you go all John McClane on
me just remember I could shoot your nuts off.”
“Jason, what’s gotten into you?” Renee gasped. “Look at what you’re doing. Why
would you be so cruel? You didn’t used to be like this.”
Jason looked bleak. “Things change. Wives leave. Life sucks. Whatever, right?”
“You need help. How many nights have you been up?”
“Drug addict,” John sneered under his breath and Renee swallowed hard, knowing
that at this point Jason was capable of anything. This was not the man she’d
known.
“You need help,” Renee tried appealing to Jason’s long-buried sense of self,
hoping to touch that part she’d fallen in love with so long ago but the bile in
her throat kept choking her. “Jason, you’re in no shape to be around the
girls…you have to know that. Do you want them to remember you like this?”
“My girls are gone. You’ve poisoned them against me,” he said. A shadow passed
over Jason’s eyes and he wavered on his feet but the gun never changed position.
Renee shook her head. “You did that all on your own, Jason. I left the girls in
your care and you neglected and abused them. And what you did to Chloe…”
“You’re the one who left,” Jason raged, spittle flying from his mouth. “Don’t
you dare go all righteous on me. You’re no better, you lying drunk whore!”
Renee felt John tense beside her and she knew time was running out for any kind
of peaceful resolution. A part of her didn’t care. She hungered for violence for
what he’d done to her girls but she was trying to find an ounce of mercy in her
heart for the pathetic excuse of a man standing in front of her. Renee tried not
to grit her teeth and dialed back the growl in her throat, knowing she needed to
keep him talking somehow. “Why, Jason? Why would you try to hurt a baby?”
For a second Renee didn’t think he’d answer. Finally, he rubbed at his eye and
Renee almost thought she saw moisture but she couldn’t be sure, as strung out as
he was. “I stopped, okay? I felt like shit but you left me stuck with the kids
and one of them wasn’t even mine. I lost it. But she’s fine, see? No harm no
foul.” At that, he chuckled as if he’d actually said something worth laughing
about. It took great strength of will to keep her hands loose and not clenched
in tight fists but she managed it until Chloe, reacting to the tension in the
room, let loose with a high-pitched wail.
The ear-splitting decibel distracted Jason long enough for John, who was just
waiting for the right moment, to make his move.
“Shut up!” Jason roared but as he turned back around he was met with five
knuckles smashing into his nose. Blood splattered everywhere and Jason stumbled
back screaming in pain. He tripped on his own feet and went down. John reared
back and sent his booted foot right into his ribs. As Jason writhed in pain,
Renee tried to drum up some sympathy for the man who was probably suffering from
a broken nose and several cracked ribs but she felt nothing.
Her gaze traveled to John, breathing hard, big fists still clenched, and smiled.
Holy hell. Suddenly amidst the bloody mayhem and the overall horrific nature of
the last couple minutes…everything became blindingly clear. And for that she had
Jason to thank. She let out a shaky breath as the adrenaline left her body in a
rush and was replaced with something far more comforting.
Renee opened her mouth and…laughed.

“IN LIGHT OF THE EXTENUATING circumstances and the fact that your ex is in
custody, I will forgive your missed court appearance.”
Renee smiled. “Thank you, Your Honor.”
Judge Lawrence Prescott II drew his paperwork together and then set it back down
again, steepling his fingers in front of him. “From what I’ve read you’ve come a
long way from the first day you stood before me. The children seem well-adjusted
and ready to resume a relationship with you and you aren’t carrying a chip on
your shoulder any longer. I’m curious…what changed?”
Renee thought long and hard about that question. She let her gaze drift to John
and his steady stare filled her with peace and happiness. Somehow she’d found a
man who could love and protect three children who weren’t his by blood, with
everything in his power. She found a man who saw past her flaws and her issues
and stood by her without enabling her to cling to bad patterns. What changed?
For the first time in her life she fell in love with an honest-to-God good man.
And you know what? She was going to marry that man. Not today. Maybe not even
tomorrow. But someday. And she was going to learn to love the country.
And snow.
EPILOGUE
RENEE LOOKED STUNNING. John licked suddenly dry lips but couldn’t pull his gaze
from the vision standing before him. She was in a white halter dress that showed
off creamy shoulders he longed to kiss and a nipped waist his hands itched to
span.
His collar squeezed his neck but he didn’t dare try to adjust it for he knew
Evan would tease him mercilessly at the reception, or worse, knowing Evan,
during the toast.
All three girls, miniature versions of their mother, stood to Renee’s right
while Evan’s boys stood beside Evan to his left. Hot damn. John Murphy was
finally getting married.
How’d he get so lucky? For as long as he lived, he’d remember the moment Renee
walked up to him and said, “I’m in love with you, John Murphy, and if you have a
problem with that you’re just going to have to deal with it because I know
you’re in love with me, too.” That was the best day of his life.
Then she’d grabbed him and laid a lip-lock on him that made bells go off in his
head and his pants a bit tighter.
And that’s what he loved about her. Well, one of the many things.
“Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold
till death do you part?” the minister asked, a smile wreathing his face as he
regarded them kindly.
Renee gazed at him, her blue eyes shining like the ocean on a clear summer day,
with a tremulous smile playing on her lips, and John knew there was nothing more
he wanted in this life.
“I do,” he answered solemnly.
Two words had never sounded so sweet.